My Season to Stay at Home.
Let me just start off by saying I love many aspects of the career driven women. Even now, I enjoy following the successes and hard work of women across many avenues. I was, and still consider myself, a part of that group.
Clichés aside, I hail from a small town and it was there I developed big dreams and a plan. Although with little money and scholarships, I aspired to go to college, graduate school, and begin my slow and steady climb to being the most astute and capable person in my field of study. I didn’t have the “brains” per se, but I think we can all agree that on many levels determination and attitude can get you to most places you want to go. And on one late August morning, I set out on my journey.
Several term papers, low-paying jobs, internships, relationships, and two degrees later, I was working at full force in my field. I was growing with both confidence and praise from others around me and with whom I respected. Then something that happens quite commonly happened to me: I fell slowly and happily in love with the cutest guy. With him I felt so selfless and open to new experiences and goals I never dreamt I would ever consider.
Sing it with me, “first comes love, then comes marriage….” I’m sure you now the next part. Within two years of marriage, our darling daughter came. I have often tried to say or write how I felt the moment her eyes locked mine, and I’m not sure I could do it justice even today. In that moment, I was no longer the same.
Motherhood has been without a doubt the most taxing, beautiful season of my life, and many times I feel as though it is a life I am completely undeserving of. Upon returning from maternity leave back to work where I always felt success awaited me, I found my thoughts somewhere else. I found my heart was somewhere else. No, my drive to feel accomplished or learning never changed, I just felt that somehow I wanted my daughter to be a part of it. I resigned from my job with hopes of finding that happy medium between mom and working girl with an innate desire to absorb new things and put those skills to use.
This is my journey. Not a lot of fluff, but all exciting and challenging just the same. To be a stay at home mom and still be stricken with an inherent need to work, do, and create something. This is a part of my life everyday, just as it is for many women, trying to find the balance between what feels impossible and what feels attainable. That's kind of the beauty though, of being a woman. I feel sort of a super human drive to rise to the challenge and achieve what feels almost impossible to my current situation.
My days are hard and lovely, all at the same time, and they are met with one learning experience after another, quickly remedied by several cups of coffee, prayer, and peace in knowing that I am exactly where I need to be. So I'll continue to fight and survey for that tiny slice of personal creativity and career that is mine to have and develop during this season, and I'll do it with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt, a cheeky toddler on my hip, and sweet gumption in my soul.